Where do I even begin?
I was pregnant with our second baby, a girl. We were over the moon. We have a beautiful little boy who at that time was one and a half, and having a girl just completed our family. Thursday 13th April 2017, that even I started to have cramps in my lower belly, like painful period pain. I didn’t think anything of it. During the night I was so uncomfortable and just felt off. Friday 14 April morning I said to my husband that i was having some cramps and didn’t feel great, however I didn’t want to go up to the hospital just yet because it probably was nothing. I didn’t want to waste the Midwives time with me overreacting. I was 35 +1 week pregnant.
As the morning went on the cramps got worse. We decided we should go up to check everything out. We called my mother in law to look after our son. So off we went to the hospital. I was hooked up to the machines to monitor bubs heart rate and if i was having contractions. We got her heart rate so they just wanted to keep us there for a while to monitor her. Her heart rate was fading so the midwife called in a doctor and another midwife to see what was going on. Within moments the room was full, I was being stripped of my clothes and prepped for an emergency ceaserian. The doctor was doing an ultrasound while all of this was happening. Shocked and unaware of what was happening, my husband held my hand and stroked my hair and was reassuring me, this was just to be safe. Then the room went empty. In walked a doctor who we had not seen before, he sat down on the bed, held my hand and said the words no parent ever wants to hear.
‘I’m so sorry but shes gone, you baby girl has died’. Just like that she has died. Our baby girl was gone. The midwives followed in after the doctor and comforted us. I can remember the tears rolling down their faces while they wanted to remain professional. After my husband and I had time to our self to process what had happened, we were given a few options. We could go for a c-sectionthen, I stay in over night and have a c-section the following day or be induced and have a natural labour. I chose to have a natural labour. I wanted it to be personal and have the connection with our baby girl as much as i could. so we chose to go home and come back in the morning. I was given a stretch and sweep to help induce labour.
We called our friends to come and get us. We live out of town so our 40 minute drive home was long. I was still getting cramps but I didn’t tell anyone. Once we got home we made the dreaded phone calls to our families. My mother in law and her partner lives just 5 minutes away, so they came over with our son. I went to the bathroom and saw that I was bleeding. I told my husband and our friends, and We said we would keep an eye on it. We sat out side and waited for our family to arrive. My family live about an hour away. I needed the bathroom again and once i stood up i felt a pop and said I think my waters just broke, then realised it wasn’t my waters it was blood, and lots of it. I went very dizzy and faint and do not remember much. I was taken to the bathroom and cleaned up while my husband was on the phone to the ambulance. We told the ambulance that we we head into the hospital as the bleeding was coming fast and waiting would be dangerous. We we almost into town when we saw the ambulance. We were rushed to the hospital where we were met with a team of doctors and midwives. It was go, go, go from the moment we arrived. Most of it is a blur. I just remember a midwife pulling back the towel and saying ‘we need to hurry, she needs surgery now’.
Her face said it all. We were scared and didn’t know what was happening to me. From deciding to being awake in theatre so I could see our baby girl be born, to arriving in theatre and being told I needed to go under as they need to get our baby girl out now as I was number one priority. I gave my husband a kiss and they took me into theatre. The midwife held my hand as I cried and I asked her ‘Will I wake up?, please let me wake up.’ I was so scared. She stroked my hair and told me I would be okay and that she will stay with my husband. Next thingI remember, I am waking up looking at my husband holding our baby girl in one arm and holding my hand with his other. I was broken. My heart was shattered. My husband gave me a look and small smile and I knew I was okay. He was okay.
I lost almost 1.5 litres of blood. I had 10 plasma transfusions and one red blood transfusion during surgery. During my stay I had three more red blood transfusions. That day was the worst day of our lives. I can’t even begin to imagine my husbands fear when he waited while I was in surgery. We are still struggling. We have flashbacks and it panics us. But we will never forget the moments we shared together. Her kicks, her hiccups and flips. We are fortunate to have been able to hold our baby girl, to see her beautiful face, hold her hand and kiss her lips. Our hearts hurt and will do forever. Her short time with us will be shared forever, we will talk about her daily, and tell others.
We will help make a difference in peoples lives and make them aware the stillbirth is real, is more common than they know.
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